So, how far along are you?

As I was walking with the pups and hubby tonight, I made a comment as to how some of my menopausal friends and I are finding ourselves lamenting about our "pooches".  I'm not making reference to pampered canine pets, but rather the bellies or waistlines that have gone awry.  Hormones be damned - what have you done to us?

Now, keep in mind that I am about to be a grandmother, and my children are well into their late 20s.  My other friends who find themselves in the same horrific hormone hell also have children who are either parents themselves, or just finishing up high school.  We are all wondering - "WHERE IN THE HELL DID OUR WAISTLINES GO?", and how do we get them back?

As of yet, no one has uttered the words to me, "Oh when are you do?" as I am not quite at the point of no return.  Thankfully, I found prescription hormones, and now I can thank my lucky stomach that I do not look like I am about to birth another baby.  What I do face as a result of the hormone hustle is:  hair loss, grey hair, complete collapse of collagen, crows feet, jiggling thighs, lunch lady triceps, something that looks strangely familiar to a chicken gizzard on my neck, freckles, loads of freckles and things that were once eye level that now indicate the southern polar ice caps.  WTF -How did this happen?

When I was younger, I would marvel at the 20 inch waistline, and evenly spaced body measurements that God had given to me.  Even after the birth of 3 children, I still thought that I had escaped genetics and would survive to middle age in one relatively firm, cellulite state of being.  Then just like a virgin on prom night - it all vanished.  I hit 40 and things just went to hell in a hand basket.  Now, looking at 50 on the near horizon, I realize that God caught up to me and with the mighty wave of his almighty hand, "PRESTO, BRAVO" and here I sit, blogging my maladies for all to muse upon.

If you see me on the street or come across me standing in the body lotion aisle, or walking into a liposuction clinic on Rodeo Drive, smile, nod but please refrain from the utterance that many, many women fear as we grow older -

So, how far along are you!!!???